I am sitting here in Cloud City Cafe feeling compelled to write, but not sure what to write about. The last couple of day’s have been very hard and confusing. I feel like I am just hanging on. It seems as though sometimes my perception of life changes. It is not that my circumstances change it is just that I see things differently. Sometimes I see things as better and sometimes I see things as worse. The last two day’s I have seen things as worse.
It is not that I am doubting my calling or my place, I am just doubting me. I feel that I am not worthy to be in the position that I am in. I feel scared and alone. I also feel like a bad friend. There is a part of me that just wants to curl up and hide, but another part wants to fight harder, like it is all about me and my striving to be better. I am leaving no room for God and His grace.
God’s grace. What a beautiful thing. How can I not leave room for it. Jesus came to this earth, lived a sinless life, died a brutal death on the cross and rose. All for me, All for me. Why do I doubt who I am? Why do I doubt my belonging and my importance? Jesus forgive me. Jesus help me. I need Jesus to intervene. These feelings that I have are not benifitial to me or anyone else in my life.
I believe that this is a time of testing that I need to pass through. I know that the only way to get through times like this is to go to God in prayer and seek others who can speak truth into the situation. The thing is that I haven’t spoke to anyone for fear that my perceptions of myself (unworthiness) are correct, even though I know that they are not. I also haven’t spoken to anyone around me because I am a leader and have been in leadership for a long time. I am supposed to be past all these feelings and helping others around me to not feel these way’s. I am supposed to have figured all this stuff out by now. Bull Shit! Leadership cannot just be a place where those in it have it all figured out and don’t need the help of others. Is leadership just a place to lead by being on top all the time? It can’t be. Leadership has to be a place of walking beside. A place of journeying with someone else. Sharing your ups and downs. Sharing your confusions and also the things that you have figured out. When Jesus was in the garden the night he was betrayed he desired the companionship of his Disciples. In Mark 14 it say’s
“They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.”He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.”
This is the leadership that I desire, this is the leadership that the world needs. I pray that i can be that kind of a leader, but I know that it starts with me.
I pray Jesus that you would help me to live out this day and this week in you. I pray that you would help me see me as I am, and when I doubt that you would show me truth. When I feel alone that I would surround myself with community and friends. I love you Lord.

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