Oct
04
2006

So I am at home for a week in Seattle without my family. It is good in the fact that I can make my own hours, be selfish with my time, eat whenever and whatever I want (I am eating good, no McDonald’s) and go to bed totally late. That is as far as it goes with the good side of being home alone. I am finding out quickly that the bad definitely outweighs the good.

The bad is that I am lonely. I miss having fun with my girls. I miss tucking Emma in at night. I miss holding Amy’s hand. I miss a kiss goodnight. I miss carrying Emma around on my shoulders. I miss a crying, smiling baby. I miss dinner for 3. I miss taking care of someone other than myself. I miss accountability. I miss a full house, not the show, but an actual full house.

Anyway, another thing that is hard is where my mind goes when I am alone. It is like I resort back to a teenager who is alone and in a place where he can get away with anything. I have some bro’s praying for me that I would be a man of integrity in my thoughts and actions, but it is a struggle. I want to be a man of God when no one is watching me and not just when I am surrounded by people. I mean seriously the only one who matters is the Lord, and He sees all.

I am encouraged by the fact that I don’t need to satisfy my mind with anything but Jesus, but it is not always that easy to execute. I don’t want to buy into the lie that the media poses that you can fill your mind and find satisfaction through lust and porn. This conversation has been going on in the lives of men for years and years. It is the topic of many a guy’s small group and is a struggle for all. It has to stop. We, (I) must have integrity and live a life of denial and discipline. I think Jesus talked about denying ourselves and taking up His cross. Once again easier said than done, but He wouldn’t have said it if it weren’t possible.

Anyway, if you think of me pray with me. Thanks.

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