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On Nov. 6, 2003, one month after my dad left I was on a plane to India. I had always wanted to go to India, but this was not the trip that I had envisioned. I had dreamed of it being a time where I was giddy over it like a little kid on Christmas morning. Instead it was almost an obligation to go as I had the ticket and everyone around me was encouraging me to do it. The reason it was so hard was that I couldn’t stop thinking about my family situation. “How could I go off to India when there were so many people, specifically my immediate family hurting at home?”
I was going over there with my good friends Wayne, Marty and Kay Charlotte. We were running a Mission Adventures training seminar in Calcutta. We were also going to Kampur to see about starting a YWAM base there. It was a trip full of opportunities and dreams, but for me it was shaded by sadness and hurt. I feel it would be appropriate for me to write from my journal that I kept during my time in Inida.
It was a time of confusion, anger, hurt, brokenness and fear. This trip changed my life in many way’s, some of which I hope to share with you here. I wrote all my entries in the Pearl Jam Place/Date picture book. I felt it was appropriate and the pictures in it somehow helped me process where I was at. Some these entries, now that I look back are theologically and mentally messed, but here we go.
November 6, 2004. “It is 11:25 AM in Seattle. I have been on the plane for almost 11 hours. God, I want one main thing from this time, I want my dad to come home. Lord, it is my cry that you please do what it takes to get my dad back. Stir me to pray often LORD. Always have it on my heart Jesus. Also LORD, please take care of my girls Amy and Emma. They will need you so much during this time.
Jesus, please take care of mom, Julie, Steven, Ashleigh and James. God I pray that you would give mom hope in the face of despair. Give her love in the face of hate. Give her peace in the face of turmoil. Give her wisdom in this time of confusion. GIve her your joy LORD.
LORD show me why I cam here. Use me or speak to me LORD. I want to see you and feel you and know you. I give these 2 weeks into your capable hands. Make me into the man and the son who you created me to be. I want to be used mightily by you. I want to be an obedient, confident, humble, fearless yet fearful child of yours. Speak to me LORD and I will listen and obey. I need and I want you Jesus.
I have a hard time with continuing on in my life when things have gone bad in one part of it. thanks for sharing your struggle with that in yours. I resonate with what you said in your journal entries.
Hey man-
Thanks for sharing your story. It was so awesome to see you in Seattle. Miss and Love you bro. Have a great Holiday Season.
Wow thank you for sharing from your journal. It’s so very encouraging to hear how you poured your heart out to God. Thanks.
Hey- brutal honesty is helpful. I think you are doing a great job writing out all of this. Side note I want to go to India. I want to go to India with you. How can we make this happen in 2009?
hi phil as i read how you were feeling it shows me how very different we handeld our pain even though we both love JESUS.I read how you cried out to Jesus and all i did was scream and yell at him.Phil it hurts me so much as you bring memories back and how i can so relate to your pain but at the same time i feel that God is using your story to speek to me and many others.
thanks for the comments friends and Julie, friend and sister. I am glad it is doing something, it is for me. Looking back has and is helpful, it helps me to see where I came from and where I am at, thank you Jesus and all the other friends who put up with me shit.
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