My Story Part 5

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“Suffering is not a punishment, God does not punish. Suffering is a gift- though like all gifts it depends on how we receive it. And that is why we need a pure heart- to see the hand of God. To feel the hand of God. To recognize the gift of God in our suffering.” -Mother Theresa-

I saw this on the wall at Mothers house in Kolkata. It shook me and spoke a lot to me from where I was at the time. Below are some words from the Nov. 11, 2003 entry in my journal.

“Lord Jesus, I am very frustrated, angry and wanting to give up on this. I cannot give up though because if I do then what do I have left? It will accomplish nothing to give up. The other thing I want to do is pretend that he is home and that all is good. Jesus, both are not good, but it is to hard just to pray, hope, hurt, cry and be helpless. Father, help me to process this.

There are so many people in Kolkata who are dying and have no hope. The reason that they are dying though is beyond their control. It hurts so bad with dad because he is making a choice to hurt us and making us feel like we are dying. He is being selfish, deceived and lost. Jesus, I pray for my dad. I pray that he would clearly see the light. He is living in a dark, sinful, adulterous relationship God. Please break his heart, heal his mind and humble him Lord. Speak to him as a father, friend and Lord. Convict him Jesus.”

Up until this point, to my memory, I had not spoken to my dad. We had emailed a few times, but he was in no way ready or wanting to come home. I talked to my dad this week and let him know that I was writing this. Dad, if you are reading, I love you and things are clearer now than they were then. I write not to condemn, but to tell our story and hopefully see healing in our family and possibly help others.