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I am reaizing more and more that this is not just my story, but this is the story of many. It is my story, my dads story, my moms story and my sister and her families story. Divorce and separation does not only affect the husband and wife, it affects everything and everyone that is involved in their lives.
I have talked to my dad a lot about this and we have all seen the consequences of stupid decisions, no offense dad. I let this affect the way I acted towards Amy my wife. This was the hardest, as I never realized that the separation affected and hurt her as well as me. I thought it was just me who was hurt and that when Amy said harsh things about the situation I would totally get pissed at her, like she was being totally insensitive. There is a commercial on t.v. that talks about depression. It is the cheesiest commercial I have ever seen, but it is truth. It says “who does depression hurt? Everybody. This, although cheesy from the commercial is very true and evident in this situation.
It also affected others in my family. It affected my mom, for obvious reasons, my sister and her husband and kids. I remember my mom trying to figure out how to do life again. She had been with someone for 40 years and now, suddenly she was alone. She didn’t know how to get around, all her friends were her and dad’s friends as a couple, she didn’t know how to pay bills or get the car fixed among others. It was like starting all over for her. She was alone, scared, paranoid of being hurt by others and lonely. I think she may have pushed some people away, but it was out of her protecting herself out of fear of being hurt again from someone she loved.
If affected the church. I remember coming into the office a couple of day’s after this all took place and cleaning out my dad’s desk, that sucked. The church needed to scramble to fine people to run youth. All the people working with youth were totally crushed and shocked at this, yet they still needed to run the youth group. What do you do in a situation like that? Do you tell the youth what happened or do you just move on and try to not talk about it? I think you talk about it. It is easy for me to say now, but at the time I don’t think they did, I think they just moved on. I am still a little hurt by that, I think the youth could have handled it, it would have made them stronger. It would have taught them how to pray and deal with situations like that.
If also affected my dad. He lost/walked away from everything. I was talking to him the other month and he told me that the biggest thing right now is that after our time together I could go home, but he could not. He gave up home. He gave up relationship, his house, his friends and his work, all of which he loved dearly. There are some things that can be healed, like family and friends, but he will never be able to come back to the church or be able to come home. I am not sure how I feel about him never coming back to church now that I write this, maybe it would be good for the church to have to face this, to face him. Once again, I feel that in some way’s the church responded poorly to this. They didn’t face it or trust their congregants, they just prayed for a missing pastor and moved on, at least that is what the congregation saw.
All this to say that this story which is entitled “my story” is not just my story at all. It is the story of millions who have had to go through the divorce of two people, however they are connected to them. If this is your story I hope that me telling this story and my process of dealing with it helps in some way or another. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Thanks for being honest about how you felt about the way the church handled it. I often wonder if I handled it well. I meant for it to always be a topic that was open, and, especially with the youth leaders, we had some good conversations, remembering good times (or bad times) with your Dad. It was, however, many times easier to avoid the topic which was not always the right thing to do.
it has just hit me now after reading our story that this is the story of luke and haley who lost their mom because of this.Here i am an adult with my own family and luke and haley are just children having to deal with this as their story also.I hate the hurt the pain and sadness this has brought to so many people.Here i am sitting in what used to be dads house 5 years later thinking I WISH YOU WERE HERE DAD.
Thanks for posting this phil. I am encouraged and also challenged when I read your postings. I wish people would say what is on their minds directly-Miss you man, have a great holiday.
[…] Philter « My story part 7 […]
I do appreciate the whole thread, and being one of the “affected millions” I wanted to share my take on it (but, since I’m not family nor never knew your dad as well as you or even many others, it won’t be nearly as long as your heart-pourings in the 7-part series).
I must admit that I went through the <a href=”http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm”7 Stages of grief since hearing about the news (Googling to find out exactly what they were, since I didn’t know off-hand, I found my reactions were spot on to that), this was someone I had looked up to since I was a kid! A role model! I had pretty much every feeling under the sun about it. But then God told me that “role models are merely men. Man is never perfect. I am perfect. Put your faith in me.” And that realization has helped me a lot in life.
True, if it wasn’t your dad, it might be another role model of mine that “fell from grace”, but, if you’re still wondering if God had a purpose behind what happened, you can take comfort in that one of the purposes was to teach me to put my faith in him and not man.
I do appreciate the whole thread, and being one of the “affected millions” I wanted to share my take on it (but, since I’m not family nor never knew your dad as well as you or even many others, it won’t be nearly as long as your heart-pourings in the 7-part series).
I must admit that I went through the 7 Stages of grief since hearing about the news (Googling to find out exactly what they were, since I didn’t know off-hand, I found my reactions were spot on to that), this was someone I had looked up to since I was a kid! A role model! I had pretty much every feeling under the sun about it. But then God told me that “role models are merely men. Man is never perfect. I am perfect. Put your faith in me.” And that realization has helped me a lot in life.
True, if it wasn’t your dad, it might be another role model of mine that “fell from grace”, but, if you’re still wondering if God had a purpose behind what happened, you can take comfort in that one of the purposes was to teach me to put my faith in him and not man.
I do appreciate the whole thread, and being one of the “affected millions” I wanted to share my take on it (but, since I’m not family nor never knew your dad as well as you or even many others, it won’t be nearly as long as your heart-pourings in the 7-part series).
I must admit that I went through the 7 Stages of grief since hearing about the news (Googling to find out exactly what they were, since I didn’t know off-hand, I found my reactions were spot on to that), this was someone I had looked up to since I was a kid! A role model! I had pretty much every feeling under the sun about it. But then God told me that “role models are merely men. Man is never perfect. I am perfect. Put your faith in me.” And that realization has helped me a lot in life.
True, if it wasn’t your dad, it might be another role model of mine that “fell from grace”, but, if you’re still wondering if God had a purpose behind what happened, you can take comfort in that one of the purposes was to teach me to put my faith in him and not man.