I am sitting on a train headed to Seattle from Vancouver, Canada. It has been 21 months since the last time I took this train and my life feels drastically different. The last time I took this train was when our family and good friends were on the Justice and Worship tour with Steps of Justice. It was a rainy day, I was by myself and rolling down to Portland to meet up with the rest of the crew.
I remember feeling wrecked inside. I was full of anxiety, insecurity and fear. I am not even sure where it came from, I just know that it was there and it was horrible. I remember feeling overwhelmed and even paralyzed by this fear that my life was seemingly crumbling inside and that I was on the verge of loosing everything. It seems crazy to even write this now, but 21 months ago it felt very real.
Today I sit on this same train a changed man. Today I look out the window and see the beauty of Vancouver, instead of the wreck that I saw inside myself. Today I can sit on the train and dream about the future instead of fearing about the present. Today I feel free, where as 21 months ago I felt bound, trapped and confused.
The reason for this change in my life is simple, Jesus saved me. I didn’t run away from these feelings or fears (I actually didn’t know how to), but I embraced them and leaned into them. I also have an amazing woman by my side who prayed with me, stood by me and showed me love unconditional. In addition I saw this unconditional love coming from our friends who we were on tour with. The command to Love God and Love Others was lived out beautifully from them towards me. And eventually, as the old hymn goes, “I saw the light.”
If you find yourself feeling full of fear, anxiety, doubt and confusion don’t run from it, run towards it and lean into it. Ask lots of questions from God and those around you. Don’t hide, don’t shut down, but fight for your life and be as vulnerable as you have to be with God, yourself and others to get it back. There are seasons of life that we go through, and like all seasons you need to figure out how to navigate through them, and eventually they pass.
