It is October 3, 2018, day eleven. I am writing a bit each day about my thoughts, motivations, ideas and dreams. I was thinking last night about today’s post, and wondering what to write about. There are a lot of things to say, some are fluff and just fun things, but I wanted to write something deep, real and vulnerable. The word insecurities came into my head before heading to bed and was there today at 6am when I woke up. So, lets talk a bit about that.
I have always been a super insecure person. I am not sure where it came from, but insecurity runs deep within me, raising its head at the most inconvenient moments. I was extremely jealous as a teenager and into my early 20’s, and 30’s, and 40’s now that I’m thinking about it. My greatest fear was that the person closest to me would decide they no longer wanted relationship with me, and leave me for someone better. I’m not really sure what better meant, but I know it wasn’t that the other person was better looking, it was more that they were more secure.
These insecurities were not just a mild bothering, they would totally incapacitate me. I would get irrational, I would imagine myself being shunned by my best friends, and I carried the assumption that everyone found out who I really was and pointed out to the world that I wasn’t good enough. I would feel alone, misunderstood (by God, and other people) and unloved. The worst things was was, I didn’t feel these insecurities around people I had little relationship with, it was with those who knew me the most, those who I loved the most.
I lost a few very close relationships as a result of this. I have pushed people away, calling a preemptive strike on people that I thought were going to hurt me by ending relationship. These are my biggest regrets in life. They are not that I didn’t learn how to play guitar, or that I failed at something I tried, but that I pushed people away as a result of my jealousy, insecurity and passive aggressive nature, which I’m sure I will write about later.
I am an Enneagram type two, a helper. When I function at a high two I am loving people, engaging their needs and walking with them to see them succeed. When functioning at a low two I am insecure, afraid Im not doing enough, and worried that someone else is going to come in and do more. I function well when I feel that I am needed, but I find it hard to believe that I am wanted. The older I get the less this has control over me, but it still lurks in the shadows, coming into the light when I feel the most connected, and loved. I will continue to fight my insecurity, speaking truth over it instead of believing it’s lies and trusting that I am worthy of love, that I am wanted and as a son of God and knowing that I am extremely valuable and wanted in this world.
Peace.
